It's funny how certain questions provoke deep thought. I was asked one last night by my mother-in-law. We usually stop by their house after church on Sunday evenings to visit. While we were sitting around the kitchen table Kay asked me, "What were you doing at this time 14 years ago?"
I was in a hospital room waiting to have our first child, Sierra. I didn't actually have her until today, the 19th, so I was enjoying myself as I watched the monitor show what big contractions I was having and they weren't hurting hardly at all, just a slight tightness in the midsection. I was an athlete back then and thought I was pretty tough. I kept on thinking "What's the big deal? Having a baby isn't that painful. All these other ladies are just wimps. (What an ignoramus! I didn't realize that I wasn't in full blown labor yet. The doctor had induced me and it was very slow going. I also didn't know you could adjust the setting on the monitor - it showed big ones, but it was wrong, so wrong as I would find out the next day around lunch time until about 6:45 that evening.)
If you knew me growing up, you would know that I didn't really care much for babies. I was out playing football with the guys, not being held down holding crying babies. I can count on one hand the number of times I babysat and those times were disasters. And don't even ask me to change a diaper. How gross!!! I didn't really want to have kids yet, I had big plans. I still wanted to try to qualify for the Olympics in the hurdles or pole vault. I was so close to making the Olympic qualifying standard, just .15 hundredths of a second away. But Creg was ready to have kids, so I did it for him. I decided I could train after the baby was born.
Even though I didn't know how to be a mother or really have any mothering instincts that I knew of, I knew deep down inside that I needed to stay home and take care of the baby. And I knew that I was not prepared or capable on my own of being the kind of mother God wanted me to be, so I began seeking his guidance. I felt a strong desire to spend time alone with God. I read my bible all the way through in just a few months. I memorized scripture and hungered after wisdom. I believe God put that desire inside of me and I'm so glad I listened and obeyed the urgings I felt.
Wow! How much my life has changed since that day! I'm still learning and growing and I certainly don't have it all together, just ask my family. But God has done and is doing a work in me. I've gone from thinking about me and my big plans (Spending time with newborn Sierra ended all thought of Olympic glory) to letting go of them and embracing what God has in store for our family. I've gone from avoiding babies to loving and enjoying my children more than I thought possible. I've gone from being in the spotlight to letting God get the glory for what he is doing. I've learned that the more I deny myself, the more joy and contentment I feel. And I pray that God keeps putting that desire in me and that I will listen and obey.